3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
