The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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