you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
