a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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