my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
