my room smells like sperm. sweet.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
