Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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