Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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