just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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