Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
