hotel room ftw
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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