I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Randomize
