I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
