Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
