did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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