i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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