You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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