If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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