genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
