I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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