im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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