how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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