the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
