that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.