the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
