So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
