Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
