I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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