thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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