I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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