You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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