I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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