I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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