I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
