I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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