All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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