i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Apparently you make a good broom.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
