I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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