I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
