Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
