I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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