I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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