i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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