she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
