Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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