What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
