I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
