There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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