she smelled like a LAN party
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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