I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Well I just put wine in my tea
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
