Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
