i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
