how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
