I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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