First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
