I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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